This week hasn't been the best. It hasn't been awful, but the whole working 2 jobs, dealing with the workload of Vanderbilt classes, dance team rehearsals, planning out a non-profit, trying out every possible church group, having a social life, writing music, and maybe even fitting in time to relax thing has been an insane circus act. Missing Ethan's birthday was rough. My schedule has been a bit grueling. And even though the football game against Ole Miss was incredibly awesome this week (30 to 7- what now haters?!), I threw up five times during the game, running off the field into a tunnel under the stadium only to get right back on again with a smile on my face. And today, my inner spazz was unleashed. I set a whole new record for spilling things on myself- coffee, tea, ravioli, water, a slice of pie, and chocolate ice cream! Like who does that?? THIS GUY. The pint of Ben & Jerry's I just consumed was wonderful- however, it is a new day and a new week and I'm going to start it off with some positive mojo. Because as great as ice cream is, I know what I really need is some "positive energy!" as my mom would say. So here goes.
To start myself off, a quick list of all of the awesome things I loved about this week (no need to focus on the bad!):
bonding time with Kate Powers. Love the girl.
Vandy DOMINATING Ole Miss!
getting a lot of support for my non profit idea and some possible benefactors!
turning a boring lecture into quite the productive songwriting section
Skyping with Ethan :)
The moment at the football game when a little girl asked for my autograph and told me I was a really good dancer and she liked my outfit. It was so adorable.
Seeing fireflies on campus
Looking into T Swift's apartment and seeing the lights on, knowing she is up there somewhere
Debates in classes (nerd, I know)
Going to the most beautiful church today with some wonderful new friends in Brentwood. First of all, Brentwood itself is AMAZING. The elegant Southern mansions and rolling green hills blow my mind. The church was gorgeous and fit right in. Plus it has this really sweet fountain out front. (Gotta enjoy the little things)
Phone call with the one, the only, Yasi Azodi!
God. Just in general, He's my strength through every moment of fear or uncertainty I have.
And now, some things that just in general make me happy:
This week I am continuing my tradition by highlighting one of the most important, incredible people in my life: Ethan Berchet-Hall. It's also his birthday today (!!!), so on top of being amazing, he deserves some special attention anyways.
I don't think there are really words to describe how badly I wish I could be with him today- it is the first time since knowing him that I haven't been able to be there for his birthday, so if anyone reading this gets to see him today make sure to give him some extra lovin' for my sake. Ethan is my best friend in the entire world and I'm so lucky to be in love with him- I really don't think I have ever met anyone with a better heart. He is so understanding and compassionate and is always thinking about what's best for other people, even over himself. He has never ever, in the three (four in November!) years we have been dating ever failed to be there for me. Whether I just needed someone to talk to or to escape whatever was going on, he would be there with open arms and a shoulder to lean on. Whether it was 2 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning, I could always count on his little silver Hyundai to show up and be my refuge or to hear his voice on the phone until I fell asleep. I still remember him missing one of his important baseball games and driving all the way home just to make my last dance show. And not only has he been incredible to me, but also to my best friends in times when they've needed somebody. I think this is such an amazing quality and I thank God everyday for bringing this individual into my life.
Over the years we have been together, we have gone through a lot and have some one of a kind memories that I wouldn't trade in for the world. Adventures on the Delaware coast, high school days and all of the dates and dances and baseball games that happened there, going to Georgia together and exploring up and down the East Coast, figuring our first year of college in Seattle together, summer days and nights (he even attempted to teach me how to pitch!), slow dancing on the dock of long lake, camping and conquering my fear of heights, surprises, all of our bets and games and long talks and just being in love... every day with him makes my whole week. Not only does he make me happy, but he balances me out perfectly and inspires me to be a better person. He has helped me to be more patient, considerate, and calm in stressful situations haha and his dedication towards baseball reminds me to never give up on my dreams, even when times get rough. He's someone I will always believe in, someone who has always reminded me to believe in myself. I'm not sure who I would be without him, and I'm ok with that, because I know he has only made me better. Moving to Nashville has been so rough being without him here at Vanderbilt. I miss him so bad it hurts! But even being 2,000 miles apart he still makes sure I go to sleep every night with a smile on my face, he still makes me laugh, and still makes my day. I know everything we go through will only make us stronger and I am so blessed to have such an incredible relationship with such an incredible guy.
Thank you Ethan, for changing my life. For everything. And most of all, happy 20th birthday.
Where I call home-Olympia, Washington- feels like nowhere else I've ever been. Cool ocean breezes, freshly picked blackberries, green forests and hippies, singing birds and old trucks. Everything is alive, everything is antique. Nature sings me to sleep. I miss the rainfall, how the sweet scent was so fresh, so free. Bob Marley jams in the backyard; watermelon teases my tastebuds. I close my eyes and smell heaven, I swear to you, as if I were standing right in the Garden of Eden. Heaven and hope.
"I said, 'Remember this moment', in the back of my mind. The time we stood with our shaking hands, the crowds in stands went wild. We were the kings and queens, and they read off our names. The night you danced like we knew our lives would never be the same."
- Long Live by Taylor Swift
It all started with an audition in May, and before I knew it I was flying back to Nashville in the middle of July for 10 days of dance camp- 10 very intense days. We were practicing in Nashville at first at our coach's studio, and from the get go I realized that this team was going to really push me, physically, mentally, even emotionally. In order to prepare for the season we needed to pack in essentially the whole season's worth of choreography into the next 10 days, condition, and compete at an NDA camp in Kentucky. I'm not going to sugarcoat it- those 10 days were probably the most exhausting, toughest, trying 10 days of my life. From running outside in 110 degree weather (complete with humidity that a northerner like me simply is NOT used to), to waking up at 6 and practicing until 2am when at NDA camp in order to perfect the routines we would be competing, it was insane. I was pushed to my limit- trying to remember all of the million routines, trying to get all my technique down, trying to make friends on this new team of girls, trying to adjust to the South in general...there were several moments where I thought to myself, for the first time I think I have ever thought this to myself, "I don't know if I can do this.". I wasn't used to my new coach's coaching style- it was really hard for me at first to take the abundant critiques and adjust to expectations of perfection from us as a team. Excuses, I came to see, weren't really an option here. We were held late until we each erased mistakes. Pushed past the point we thought we could perform at. But you know what? I got through it. We all did, and we emerged as a stronger, better team. I remember sitting on the basketball gym floor at the University of Louisville in Kentucky where camp was after we had just performed our two numbers that we had worked ourselves crazy for. I was tired, stressed, hungry, hot... and then I heard our team get announced as the winner of our Game Day Jazz division- which was huge! We all felt so elated in that moment. And even more so in the moment when we found out we scored a silver bid to Nationals in Daytona Beach, Florida (this means that the organization is paying for most of our costs). For a newer team like ours, this wasn't exactly expected. It was definitely a hope, and in that moment the hard work all became worth it. All of the sweat, bruises, blood (but actually), and tears paid off- and I had never felt prouder to be a part of a team.
School at Vandy has now started, and I must say, dance has only gotten better. I now see that our Coach pushes us so hard because she can see our potential and simply wants us to get there- and it works. I have so much respect for her and our team for the amount of dedication it takes to put in that kind of effort, even if it isn't always fun. But you know what is fun? Performing at SEC football games. I thought winning at camp was great, but it is NOTHING compared to football games! This past Saturday we had our second game against UConn and it was especially fun. Everywhere we go when doing pep rallies the fans seemed to excited to see us and we were constantly greeted with compliments or gratefulness for our performances. So many little girls came up to us asking for pictures and telling us they looked up to us- it was so cute and gave me the funniest feeling because I can still remember being that little and wanting to be a dancer and wishing for the very moment I was now in. Getting to do what I love and see the happiness it brings others is such an amazing feeling. And then there is Star Walk... it. is. awesome. We line the tunnel leading to the stadium where the football players go through along with the cheerleaders, marching band, and fans, and the atmosphere is bursting with school pride, amped up energy, and noise. I love it- I have never seen people this excited about football and getting to stand right there as the players run through makes me feel 1) like a midget, and 2) so pumped up just seeing them yell and shout and do all their manly pre-game pushing each other around type things. The game itself? Incredible. I don't know if any of you reading this have been to a football game in the South, but getting to stand on the field and watch the action itself is a cool experience. Add cheering for the full body painted students, dancing on the sidelines and stirring up excitement in the stands (the good kind I mean, like cute little kids waving and people clapping- the old men creepily snapping pictures is REALLY gross), and then feeling the energy of a whole stadium as you step onto that green field and perform a routine, making it on ESPN- man, it's like nothing else. It was so worth every one of those moments when I doubted it would be. Being a part of this team makes me feel so connected to Vanderbilt- I don't think I have ever had more school pride or spirit. Every time something good happens for the team my heart jumps like its Christmas and I'm five again, when something goes wrong my heart breaks, and when we walk away with a win and stand at the end singing the alma mater with the team... that is the best feeling. It's hard to explain that moment unless you are a part of it, but that is the moment when I feel so grateful and so happy to be living the life I'm living.
And I would do it all over again, just for that.
Once a week I want to highlight a special someone, just to spread some love and happiness on what for me is ALWAYS the longest, most exhausting day of the week. What a better way to end it than to reflect on what I have to be grateful for? (Besides chocolate ice cream and Netflix- that comes after).
This week I want to focus on my big sister.
(So very true)
Since I have been born, my sister has always been there. She was my first hero, my first friend, and my first enemy- we've been through everything together and she probably knows me better than anyone. From our toddler days in California to our summers spent in Montana with all our crazy/"special" adventures to just growing up, the fights, talks, laugh attacks, ninja attacks, and everything, she's been such a constant in my life. Growing up I always wanted to be just like her- she has always been so incredibly smart & driven with this ability to draw in, befriend, and understand people with a gift I've seen few people have. She didn't always like me, (especially when I borrowed her clothes... man, it went DOWN), and even when we would go to ridiculous lengths to showcase our petty anger at each other, I always loved her and wanted to be as successful, popular, and pretty as her. I wanted to be someone she could be proud of.
My sister is one of the strongest people I have ever met, and even when times are rough and less than ideal, she always perseveres and grows from it. Doing the right thing is not always easy but its something she had always been able to do. Needless to say she has ALWAYS watched out for me and made sure my experiences in life turned out better than hers- from high school to last year in Pi Phis, she has been my hero. Being a good sister to someone like me must always not be easy to do, but she has never failed me.
Especially since moving to Nashville, my sister has been such an amazing source of support for me. It seems that as things change and people go their separate ways, there are always those people who get too busy or too engrossed in other relationships or things to remember that maybe you still need and love them, but my sister is the exact opposite. She randomly calls me just to check in, texts me to keep me updated, and her genuine interest and care for me shines through and makes me feel as if I can do anything. There have been so many situations, even before moving, where I have felt really upset and like nobody in the world could ever understand me- except for her. She is the one person who truly understands who I am and why I am how I am and I love that.I know that if I never needed ANYTHING at all, she will always be there for me, with amazing advice that seems to make it all better. And of everyone in my life, I have probably felt the most love and support and excitement from her in this big new transition and for that I am so grateful.
So Sis, thank you for everything.You mean the world to me and I love you with my whole heart and more. Love always,
Bug
p.s. "Goodnight UGLY" hahaha. I know you know what I'm talking about.
"Your sun will never set; your moon will not go down. For the Lord will be your everlasting light. "
Isaiah 60:20
Tonight I tried out a new church here on campus called Cru. I walked in and noticed immediate differences from my home church from last year- it was a smaller setting, much more intimate, with a modern entry way leading into a dimly lit wooden A-frame chapel. And although at first I was a bit wary of how different it was compared to The City, I am so incredibly glad I went.
The message was very moving and exactly what I needed to hear. It was focused on the theme of light throughout scripture, how God's goodness is described as light, Jesus as light of the world, us as believers called sons or daughters of light, how darkness is unable to overtake light, how our light is meant to shine and not be hidden, etc etc. And as he was speaking of the power of light and how God has given us the amazing ability to shine for him and provide light for those lost in darkness, my soul was lifted.
Being here at Vanderbilt has been such a great experience, but often times I find myself feeling as if I don't quite fit in with everyone I meet. This is not a new feeling- people partied and drank and did all of those sorts of things just as intensely as at UW. It's just that being so far away from home I don't have my older sister to understand and watch out for me, or my sorority sisters or church friends to uplift me. Especially upon first arriving here, I felt VERY alone in my faith. Everyone had the motto of work hard, play harder- and they weren't talking board games . Drinking, smoking, hooking up - it's just not who I am. It's not who I will ever be. But it's what everyone seemed to think was fun and what was the common connector between people who were all so different, and for the first time in my life, I felt pressured to drink. Not pressured in the way that it became a temptation or something I wanted to do, but pressured in the way that I realized that I definitely would be losing out on a large group of friends if I did NOT party with them. That realization concreted a feeling of loneliness, but faithful as God always is, he brought some other incredible Christian friends into my life shortly after.
However, it still is something that in the back of my mind upset me- that people truly would cast people out as friends because of a moral difference. It was something that when I first got here, I almost find myself wanting to hide- I knew nobody and wanted the comfort of having instant friends and so was hesitant to share the fact that I don't drink and why.
Tonight I realized that that entire time I was forgetting that I had no reason to feel left out or ostracized- for indeed I am part of something bigger. I am part of God's greater light, meant to shine upon the darkness that is present every day in our world. In being different I am able to let the light of God shine from me, and that in turn has an impact on those around me. I, we all, have a higher purpose in this world and hold more influence than we believe. We should not be afraid to use that influence, to let that light shine, for it is that light that transformed our lives and it is that light that is the only and greatest hope for the world. I am proud to love God and so grateful for everything He has done in my life- and I refuse to hide or repress that. I'll let my light shine and my love grow, and in doing so I know I am part of a bigger community that surely trumps the everyday trials of being a college student just wanting to fit in. So for everyone out there who has ever felt the same way, know that I feel where you are coming from. And also know that you are a unique instrument that God specifically created with one of a kind talents that were designed to truly make the world a better place and bring love to people.
Don't shy away from that- at times it will seem the easy, safe thing to do. Isn't it funny how sometimes we don't even notice that we are in a way afraid of our own light? Let it shine- be different, be brave, and above all, be encouraged. For nothing can ever put the fire in your heart out except for you.
"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it."
Not even a year ago, I can remember sitting on the top of a bunk bed staring outside at a rainy day and feeling as if I simply was not where I was meant to be. It was a conflicting feeling, one I didn't want to feel, but one that persistently badgered me until I faced it. Although a very risky and scary thing to do, I looked it in the eye and realized that while UW was amazing, it wasn't the place for me. It had every comfort I could desire: living in a luxurious sorority, being only an hour away from my family, being in the same house as my real life big sister, and within walking distance of Ethan. But my situation also lacked componets and challenges of college I had dreamed of and the tugging feeling in my heart compelled me to step out of the confines of my comfort (extremely difficult) and trust that maybe, possibly, my intuition was right.
After a lot of prayer, thought, and list making, I determined that if I was going to go through with transferring that it would have to be at a school that encompassed everything I had ever dreamed of. After looking at basically every school in the country, it came down to one school: Vanderbilt University. It had the competitive dance team my heart broke without last year, the adventure of moving somewhere culturally & geographically different, the academic standards and reputation I wanted to push me, music row & all the songwriting opportunities there, one of the best financial aid programs in the country, a small undergraduate population (6,000), Southern food (ok this wasn't actually on the list but still, sweet tea is amazing), the list went on and on and as it did I applied with uncertainty and hope.
The more I prayed the more I felt more assured that this school that was 2,300 miles from home was undoubtedly the place for me. Nobody really took me seriously or understood why I felt so strongly but I knew in my gut it was where I needed to go. Without even knowing if I was accepted I spent my savings on a plane ticket to Nashville to audition for the Vanderbilt Dance Team. I was so certain my parents would say no that I didn't even ask them if I could first... I just knew that this was something I wanted for myself. Luckily they ended up being excited (or maybe they had to pretend to be since I already spent my money on it haha), but a week before my flight was due for takeoff I got an email saying I was accepted. And that they were paying for almost everything. Needless to say, trusting in God's plan for me and not staying within the confines of my comfort was starting to look like it paid off. After flying in the Nashville I was in love immediately. Unfortunately the night before auditions I got the first migraine I've ever had and it was so painful that I literally thought I would die and did not sleep at all that night. And if any of you know me, you know that me without sleep is like watching the apocalypse unfold before your very eyes. Somehow I pushed past the remnants of the pain and the dizziness from taking probably too much medication and made the team. Flying home, I knew my life had changed.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I was on another plane to Nashville. And this time for good. I had imagined the moment of me arriving here, at my dream school, a million times. I would be confident and excited, feeling strong and sure of myself. In reality it was one of the hardest days of my life. I had a complete emotional meltdown when saying goodbye, left a bag at the airport (don't worry- I got it back), and for the first time in my life felt honestly scared. Had I made the right decision? Everything I've ever known and loved... was on the opposite side of the country. I was sacrificing so much to trust in this dream, to trust in God... and I felt so alone. But luckily I didn't have much time to question my decision because Vanderbilt completely stole my heart.
The campus is incredible, unlike anything I've seen. I can't capture the cicadas constantly chirping or seeing fireflies walking home at night, the southern hospitality that greets me everywhere I go, the taste of sweet tea, the feel of humidity or the soft sound of country music floating in the breeze on camera, but know that it's there. And it makes the campus come alive in a way I've never felt at a college. The buildings are either old, impressive and elegant or modern and state of the art new. The people here are the friendliest I've ever met- everyone I cross seems to become another friend, know my story, or offer a hand even when I don't ask. The amount of musical/art/dancing/writing talent here is mindblowing and there is so much student involvement in everything really that it's inspiring.
And not to mention the school itself hugely spoils us which is also a huge plus. They threw all transfer students an extremely classy, fully catered party INSIDE a Parthenon for starters... the food is amazing (Starbucks is a part of my meal plan?! ), the professors are brilliant and the classes so personal and small... I don't even know how to describe this place except to say that everything Vanderbilt puts its name on blows my mind. I have not met a single person who goes here who has anything to say about the school except how much they love it.
And luckily, I'm one of them.I am completely in love with this school, with this city, and with the adventures I've already started to have.
